Wild Al’s Jan Plan – Part Two – Sherwood Gets Social

Legendary hedonist, and erstwhile King of Cario’s nightclub, Wild Al, is doing his bit for Town’s tumbling fortunes by eschewing ‘Dry January’ for the 27th year running.

While others are dabbling in a New Year detox to pile off the pounds, Al has hit the pub to draw up a five point plan of action to help Tim Sherwood pile on the points.

Every day this week, he’ll be revealing another step in his scheme to save Swindon’s season, today…

2. Get Tim Sherwood to join the Facebook fans group

Social media has changed our lives.

If, for instance, you are convinced that mere professional courtesy, an unwillingness to upset the other lusty punters, caused the barmaid to rebuff your repeated attempts to get her number the previous night, with a small bit of information, easily garnered by bribing the bouncer or stealing her purse, you can now Facebook stalk her and repeat the request.

Of course, it may turn out, free from the shackles of paid employment, she’s free use to social media to inform you that you are an ‘aging dribbling drunken mess’ whom she wouldn’t date ‘if Keith Scott’s life depended on it’.

But sometimes you need to hear the awful truth.

And currently, the awful truth for Tactics Tim, is there are a lot of unhappy Town fans online.

Of course, some of them are from Vital Swindon, and can be ignored, but many others have actual cognitive functions, as well as legitimate grievances, and so aren’t so easily, and enjoyably, dismissed.

Happily, I have a plan. And this time, not one that involves mixing Baileys and de-icer to create a seasonal cocktail.

Ok. These days everyone is on social media.

Your uncle is on Snapchat, your gran’s updating her Facebook status with hotly disputed bingo scores and unsettling racial slurs.

Meanwhile, your mum has signed up for GRINDR, and is masquerading as a ‘twinky’ called ‘Kevin’, in a tactic that leads to illicit encounters that are around two-thirds awkward to one-third ‘mutually satisfying’. At least according to the tally, she insists on keeping updated and pinned to the fridge.

Football players, clubs and of course fans are no different. Every facet of the beautiful game is discussed endlessly on-line, with Arsenal Fan TV even presenting a, brilliantly meta, pastiche of entitled embittered Premiership supporters on a weekly basis.

Well done them.

In fact, aside from referees and women who find Shaun Hodgetts sexually appealing, only one group of participants is notable by their striking lack of online presence: Managers.

No STFC gaffa, that I can recall, has ventured publically onto the internet since Paul Sturrock penned his weekly official website updates a full decade ago.

Luggy’s managerial bulletins, if memory serves, usually featured a brief fitness update regarding Ricky Shakes, before descending into a detailed brag, stretched over several paragraphs, about how absolutely monumentally shit faced him and Blair got at their latest family barbecue.

Honestly, imagine being so self indulgent when tasked with writing about football on the internet!

Since Sturrock, nada.

Some Town fans are still desperate for Paolo Di Canio to join twitter, but they’re likely waiting in vain. Firstly, 140 characters is never going to be enough for that man. Secondly look what happened when the last far-right celebrity with a well-developed sense of self, and little truck for linguistic traditions, was let loose on that site.

That’s right, he became American President.

Now, this spring’s hotly contested ‘Chair of the Coleview Community Centre Committee’ race aside, I know little about politics, but I do know the last thing the world needs right now is Paolo becoming Italian Premier.

So why do I think Sherwood should buck the trend and venture onto the wild west of Town online fandom, that Facebook group, a place, it’s fair to say, that is generally untroubled by out dated notions such as positivity and perspective?


To manage expectations.

Tim can simply log on as himself, join the merry throng and disseminate a few underwhelming rumours; a return for George Barker, signing some released Notts County full back, agreeing to give Sam Morshead a playing contract as long as he agrees to regular burger tests, heavy training and contracting a light does of dysentery to shed the pounds, that sort of thing.

That way everyone will be pleasantly surprised, come deadline day, when Jim White spittles down his yellow tie with excitement, at the inevitable news we’ve signed three kids from QPR. Young players who Les Ferdinand insists are ‘promising’, but, on closer inspection, look suspiciously like the till staff from Shepherd’s Bush Westfield branch of JD Sports.


Next, in an opinon he’s pretty sure he stole off someone online but was too bladdered to recall who, Al explains why Nathan Thompson should switch to midfield.

Or read Part One, why Yaser needs to see a bit more of Polly

Follow @kingofcairos


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