Legendary hedonist and erstwhile King of Cario’s nightclub, Wild Al, is doing his bit for Town’s tumbling fortunes by eschewing ‘Dry January’ for the 27th year running. While others are dabbling in a New Year detox to shed the pounds, Al has hit the pub to draw up a five point plan of action to help Tim Sherwood pile on the points

Every day this week, he’ll be revealing another step in his scheme to save Swindon’s season, starting with..

1. Take Yaser Kasim to The Polly Tearooms for a treat

One of the most important life lessons I’ve ever learned is don’t drip chilli sauce off your doner and into your Japs’ eye. However much you want to gain the respect of others, this is very much a short-term solution, and actually, making a spectacular sandcastle will also impress the other kids at playgroup, without the need for urgent medical attention.

Another immortal piece of life advice I’ve always adhered to came via Trev’s Uncle Malc, who swears by the restorative relationship powers of regularly whisking his wife off to Polly’s Team Rooms in Marlborough.

“Seriously lads, it’s like the waters of Lourdes, but for the seriously stroppy rather than seriously ill”.

And I for one believe him, not least because I’m pretty sure that Polly’s carrot cake can’t actually cure cancer, despite the lurid claims made by someone on TripAdvisor, who, rather suspiciously has a IP address with an SN8 postcode, and the user name ‘DefinitelyNotPolly’.

Whenever Malc’s missus is piqued, because, say, he’s forgotten their anniversary, or to tell her about that kid in Malmesbury he’s been paying child support for since early ’08, or, for instance, she’s cross that her work mates have all moved onto bigger and better things, while she’s stuck doing burpees with Brad Barry day in day out; off they pop to Wilshire’s plushest coffee and cake counter.

As Malc always says, sagely over a half of Guinness with a bottle of Chenin chaser: “An eye-wateringly expensive muffin is a small price to pay for a bit of peace and quiet, some passable marital congress, and a willing accomplice whenever assets need to be hidden from prying bailiffs.”

So Mr Sherwood, it’s time to employ Malc’s fail safe domestic dehumidifier on Yaser, a man whose form hasn’t so much dipped, as nosedived off the David Murray John building in recent months.

Simply drive the talented Mr Kasim to Polly’s, and ply him with as much tea and tiffin as he likes. Instantly the Iraqi international will remember he’s a technically gifted midfielder, and no amount of long days spent, post training, trying to teach Anton the alphabet, rather than enjoying a cheeky Nando’s and Call of Duty sesh with Mas and Byrney, should change that.

Some may question thinking that results in trying to improve a professional athlete’s performance with a high dose of cholesterol and cream but remember, you are Tactics Tim, deep thought is an anathema.

As you well know, there is no point wasting much-needed ‘Director Of Football’ energy forming coherent and scientifically sound arguments.

Not when, instead, you can just reckon stuff.

And you reckon a cream bun from Marlsborough’s finest will sort out Yaser’s form pronto.

Sorted.

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