‘Going to Swindon just feels like too much of an effort these days’

An once-local man mistakes the passing of time for too much passing, reports Alex Cooke

A married forty-two-year-old businessman with two kids, a big mortgage and recently diagnosed high-blood pressure has discovered that he doesn’t care as much about football as he once did.

David, 43, of Guildford revealed that his teenage passion for Swindon Town has dimished, and he isn’t happy. After recent defeats by rivals Oxford United the self-confessed ‘golf fanatic’ found he was ‘over it’ much more quickly that he would have as a teenager in the 1980s.

“I don’t understand it,” he told http://www.heavyhandedsatire.com. “Back then I’d have been angry for days. This time, by Sunday afternoon, after a round of golf, a few drinks and a big roast with my family, I just sort of felt fine”.

David blames current Swindon Town chairman Lee Power for his own diminishing interest: “I used to go home and away with Swindon. Even when I was a skint student, I’d get up about 1 pm, get drunk and just walk down the ground with all my mates. It only cost a few quid too.

“Now, thanks to Power, the 120 mile-round-trip, undertaken while stone-cold sober with my two non-football-liking kids fighting in the back all the way to Swindon, seems too much of an effort.”

David also believes that what he calls ‘tippy-tappy football’ has also contributed to the decline in his love affair of the County Ground. He isn’t that sure about attempts to revive it either.

“That bloke with his flags doesn’t help”, he said. “One hit my face the other day and I couldn’t see my phone so I missed the end of the 2.50 from Utoxeter.”

David also blames Power for making football ‘too complicated’ and ‘crap’. He remembers when Town could compete with big clubs such as Arsenal and Liverpool. “In the 90s I could just enjoy the game, now I have to read things too,” he says. “Now we have running stats, B-teams, VAT and facts. We never had facts with Steve McMahon, or VAT with Sandy Gray”.

David does confess that working “all hours” at his business has meant he has less time for Town. Over the past four years he has launched his own successful business selling reprinted old newspapers as birthday presents for “silly old sad-sacks who live in the past”.

David has tweeted a Lee Power parody account to complain about his lack of interest in modern football. 

He has also complained to Sleepeazy that bouncing on his bed wasn’t as much fun as it used to be, to McVities about the size of Wagon Wheels, to Sam Fox about ‘not being sexy anyone’ and to the Mercury Music Prize that modern music is ‘just noise’.

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