Following Saturday’s victory at Bradford City, we catch up with Alan Sheehan who reflects on an eventful weekend*…

Friday – I’ve fond memories of playing for this weekend’s visitors Swindon Town.  They’ve had so many world-class left-backs over the years, Yinka Casal, Jason Drysdale, David Peach, plus this son of Athlone. But not Michael Rose as he’s a real c#nt for keeping me out the team when I would’ve saved them from relegation. So being part of this illustrious group, Swindon really know what to expect from me and I’ve gotta deliver – which is exactly what I did when I scored a worldy strike from what must’ve been 45-yards for County against Town in April. It’s been a busy week, nothing else but practicing free-kick after free-kick and plenty of penalties in training. Plus for that extra fitness I’ve been down the boxing club seeing that there’s always talk around here about being bantamweight.

Saturday – Parky’s up early with some important news. He’s sent a text to everyone with a plan to get us an early advantage. Apparently whoever gets closest to their ‘keeper first needs to throw themselves to the ground, then, he emphasised “position yourself to directly face the referee while sitting and then place both arms in the air”. Why you ask? I’m on penalties duty, yes… my sweet left peg never misses.

Sunday – Our entire gameplan went perfectly until their goalkeeper saved the penalty. We’d worked really hard until that point. Clarkey said after the game it wasn’t my fault as he’d planned to get their ‘keeper sent off. Bit shocked by Nathan’s reaction after the strike as we used to be teammates, plus he knows I’m sensitive. I just want to use this opportunity to clear up the ‘incident’ with that Argentinean bloke Bucking Branco. The referee Richard Clark loves his red cards, he got what he wanted when Swindon played at Notts as he got to give two reds. Yesterday he looked really bored and to be honest I felt sorry for him. I know its wrong, he’s the referee and us players shouldn’t give a f@ck about them, but the way Clark brandishes the cards like confetti really does it for me. He’s only got eyes for the red so I just had to land the body-blow.

Monday – Parky phones “well, I had to tell everyone you’d gone over and punched him, it was unacceptable and I’ll fine you the maximum amount…” I can take the fine, I’d do it again to make Clark happy. The FA will be giving me a three game ban, so I’m off to Preston for a few days, might get a trial…

*Bullshit is according to TheWashbag, not Alan Sheehan